Tuesday, January 31, 2012

An Out-of-Botty Experience

I had an embarrassing problem this week: however much I ate, and however hard I pushed, nothing was coming out of my backside ! (sorry if this is too much information). Fortunately Nikki, my owner, eventually got wind of my discomfort (ha ha), checked my rear end, and horror-of-horrors found something sticking out that wasn't suppose too be there. So off to the vet we went.

When we arrived at the surgery and sat down in the waiting room there were a couple of worried-looking cat-dudes in cages (let me at 'em !) and a maniacally yapping poodle jumping up and down on her owner's knee. I soon realised why they were so worked-up as I turned my head and made eye contact with a massive, slobbering Rottweiller (aka "Rambo"), who was sizing me up ready for his next meal !

His owner said that Rambo "was a pussycat really". Yeah right, we all believe that ... NOT !  The cats in the cages were praying to The Great-Moggie-in-the-Sky that they wouldn't be Rambo's next snack, and the poodle was now clinging for dear life to her owner's neck. As If it wasn't enough that Rambo was scaring the fur off us, he started shaking his head,  making his jowls wobble quite disgustingly, and we all had to duck to avoid his projectile slobber - hmmm, nice ! Luckily it was soon my turn too see Miquel (the vet) and escape from Rambo's warm embraces and bad breath.

Miquel lifted me up onto the table and Nikki explained that I had problems doing my poo-poos. Miquel started by looking into my mouth and eyes, but Nikki said: "no no, it's Gizmo's rear end that's the problem !". Maybe he was just trying to delay the inevitable pleasure of inspecting my cute butt, and I suppose I couldn't really blame him.

Anyhow, there was indeed something stuck up there causing a blockage. Quite a few things actually: bits of twig, string, slippers, gardening implements ... you name it, it was all up there. God knows how - I don't remember eating half of that stuff.

With a resigned look and practised dexterity, Miguel managed to clear the blockage. Wow, what a wooftastic relief ! but it was only short-lived: a thermometer was rapidly inserted back up where the sun don't shine (as if I hadn't suffered enough humiliation !). Miquel was concerned that I might have torn something inside and have an infection, so he needed to take my temperature. Happily it was normal, and I got a biscuit, a pat on the head, and that was that (at least until I find some more tasty looking sharp objects to chomp on).

So, my doggie amigos, the moral of this story is: don't eat stuff you're not suppose to - otherwise it might involve an uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing visit to the vet. As the saying goes: "sheet happens" ... and if it doesn't then something's wrong, visit the vet and have an Out-of-Botty experience like mine.

On the subject of visiting the vet: some doggies find it quite stressful, what with all the strange sights, smells and sounds; all the unfamiliar humans and animals; not to mention oversized mean looking Rotweillers with macho studded collars and owners covered in tattoos. So here are a few tips to help keep your pooch calm:

• Make sure your pooch has had a chance to go for a pee / poo before you go the vet (that's if they're able to of course !)
• Take some of his favourite treats with you to reward him for good behaviour while in the surgery.
• Keep your dog calm and by your side, even if he wants to say "Hola" to the other patients in the waiting room.
• Give him lots of physical attention: ie cuddles, and talk to him softly as this will help keep him relaxed.

Copyright Nikki Attree - Published in Island Connections


  1. Oh Gizmo that was so funny... I can just imagine your mum being so pleased to have back all those things she lost. I bet it was entirely un-funny for you though and I'm sure you've made a promise never to eat anything that's not in your food bowl!
    I shall take heed of what you say and will refrain from eating strange things... not that I do that anyway, but I will make sure I don't start.

  2. BOL my captcha thingy was OutPo which would have been funnier if it had had an extra O but it was still kind of apt.