My Twelve Rules of Christmas for Dogs:
1. Best not to pee on the tree that the humans bring into the house. It's a very strange thing to do I know: bringing a tree into the house ! I mean, what's that all about ? but apparently it's an important ritual for the humans.
2. Don't chew the cord that's plugged into the wall and runs around the tree. It's not much fun having a few hundred volts of electricity shooting through your tail - really plays havoc with your fur-cut !
3. Don't tear open any of the nicely wrapped boxes that they put around the tree, even if it has your name on it and what's inside smells really tasty.
4. Don't get annoyed when your owner puts a stoopid paper hat on your head. Apparently humans get a big kick out of this. Dog-God knows why. Be nice - its only for one day a year after all (any more than that and you should seek help for them).
5. Be nice to any strangers that visit over the Christmas holidays. Best not to smother them with wet sloppery kisses, because apparently some humans don't like this (allegedly).
6. Don't get annoyed when a visitor sits on your favourite bit of the sofa. Just fart loudly and smelly - that should get rid of them pretty quickly !
7. Don't grab food from the table (even if it smells a lot better than the stuff that they normally feed you).
8. Important rule: chocolate is very bad for dogs. Don't be tempted to have a chew from an open box lying on the floor, it could make you extremely sick or worse - very fat ... then that cute poodle next door won't fancy you any more.
9. Don't drink out of glasses that are left hanging around, unless you want to have a major mucho headache (humans call this a 'hangover'). It's not pleasant, and can lead to a lot of mess on the tiles.
10. Be very patient with your female human around his time of year - it can be a very stressful time for her: wrapping up all those presents, cooking all that food etc. So it won't help her mood if you break any of the other rules (eating the turkey, destroying the presents, peeing on the tree, getting a hangover and being sick on the carpet etc).
11. Be nice to the children: only eat one at a time ! (only joking of course :-)
12. Don't bite the Big Guy who appears in the living room in the middle of the night. You can't miss him: he has a white beard, and is dressed in red. I know what you mutts are thinking: "this is really stoopid ... if some stranger comes down the chimney any other time of year, my owner would want me to bark like crazy, and scare the sh*t out of the intruder". But this is another of their weird seasonal rituals. Where do they get these crazy ideas from ? I mean, can you imagine some big fat pooch with a beard coming down the chimney to bring you a load of dog biscuits ? On second thoughts - bring it on !